Funny Quotations and Sayings

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it. - Mark Twain

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
- Emo Phillips

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
- Hunter S. Thompson

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
- Jennifer Unlimited

Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife's clothes.
- Thomas R. Dewar

I'm not going to get into a name-calling match with somebody who has a 9 percent approval rating.
- Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, a Democrat, referring to Vice President Dick Cheney

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.
- Gilbert Chesterton

Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we".
- Mark Twain

Life is rather like a can of sardines: we're all of us looking for the key.
- Alan Bennett

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
- Bill Hirst, found on from The Witty, The Thought Provoking and The Humorous Quotes site.)

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
- Mark Twain

Hey, the way I figure it is this: if the kids are still alive by the time my husband comes home, I've done my job.
- Roseanne Arnold

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.
- Homer Simpson

There are terrible temptations which it requires strength and courage to yield to.
- Oscar Wilde

Anyone who can only think of only one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.
- Mark Twain

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
- Will Rogers

Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.
- Wendy Wasserstein

All modern men are descended from wormlike creatures, but it shows more on some people.
- Will Cuppy

The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust.
- Samuel Butler

The only way of catching a train I ever discovered is to miss the train before.
- Gilbert Chesterton

The profoundly humorous writers are humorous because they are responsive to the hopeless, uncouth, concatenations of life.
- V.S. Pritchett