Witty Quotations

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. - Mark Twain

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
- Author Unknown

Bad spellers of the world - Untie!
- Graffiti

Don't wish ill for your enemy, plan it.
- Syrus, Maxims

Psychiatry is the care of the id by the od.
- Author Unknown

A vaccum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
- Tennessee William, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
- Groucho Marx

Knowing what goes on behind my placid exterior, I have a strong suspicion of what goes on behind yours.
- Richard Needham

Always do right. That will gratify some of the people, and astonish the rest. - Mark Twain

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
- Jerome K. Jerome

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.
- Unknown

In response to FOX News efforts to link devastating wildfires in California to Al Qaeda, Jon Stewart of the Daily Show suggested that "perhaps Al Qaeda is trying to infiltrate a cable news channel and staff it with morons."

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
- Bill Vaughan

If I owned both Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell.
- Philip Henry Sheridan

Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Mark Twain

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
- Martin Mull

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
- George Bernard Shaw

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
- H. L. Mencken

If they could figure out a way to channel my anger, they could solve the energy crisis.
- Woody Allen

Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.
- Mark Twain