Witty Quotations

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. - Mark Twain

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
- Author Unknown

Bad spellers of the world - Untie!
- Graffiti

Don't wish ill for your enemy, plan it.
- Syrus, Maxims

Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.
- George Bernard Shaw

You win again, gravity.
- Captain Zapp Brannigan, from Futurama

Psychiatry is the care of the id by the od.
- Author Unknown

A vaccum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
- Tennessee William, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
- Groucho Marx

Knowing what goes on behind my placid exterior, I have a strong suspicion of what goes on behind yours.
- Richard Needham

Always do right. That will gratify some of the people, and astonish the rest. - Mark Twain

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
- Jerome K. Jerome

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.
- Unknown

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
- Bill Vaughan

Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Mark Twain

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
- Martin Mull

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
- George Bernard Shaw

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
- H. L. Mencken

If they could figure out a way to channel my anger, they could solve the energy crisis.
- Woody Allen

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up bcause by that time I was too famous.
- Robert Benchley

Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.
- Mark Twain

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson